Life is strange.
I love my wonderful boyfriend.
He is so sweet and kind, and he loves me even though I'm MASSIVE.

And I understand and appreciate that he wants me to be healthy so I'm not tired and lightheaded all the time.

And that's what a good boyfriend should think.

But he doesnt understand how panicked I am about my body.
I feel trapped in this disgusting fat suit and I just want out. No matter what.


I don't want to start lying to him about my intake.
Or anything else.

But I cant eat the way he wants me to.

All I can do is count anymore.

Number of calories.
Situps
pushups
counting steps and bottles of water.

I don't have the balls to make the tough decisions. Whether I want to raise my calories today so tomorrow's lack of calories will really count.

Of course, I don't know for a fact that will work.
So I could just stick to 400 a day and slowly see progress.

But god damn I'm impatient. I've spent too much of my life fat, I'm sick of it.  I want it gone forever.

This making grown up decisions stuff is bullshit.

I'm not doing so badly today.
Yesterday my total was 430.  I'm just aiming for under 500 again.

So far

IN:
Yogurt- 60
Salad- 40

I lost a pound this morning.
And I shouldn't be that overjoyed.  It's just a pound.
But considering I also started my period this morning I'm taking it as a good sign.
I'm worried about today. Hanging out with good friends pretty much always meaning there will be eating.  And the words "Golden City" were involved.  Which means heaps of chinese food with no calorie listing.
I'm going to get the jumbo sized egg drop soup and fill up on that, try to only have about a cup of the rice.  That should put me around 500.

I live in fear.

And then tomorrow Is Sarah's birthday party. I work 9-4.  I'll come home, go grocery shopping, take a shower and then head over.  Try not to have any solid calories.  But I know I'll be having an assload of alcohol.  Maybe I can get my hands on some coke too. Who knows.

Life is okay. I get paid tomorrow and the whole of the check is going towards healthy groceries.
I'm trying to ween myself down to the former glory days of 200 calories a day.
That'd be nice.

Today:

Asparagus- 25
Carrots- 35
Veggie Burger- 420
1 cup cereal- 147
1/4 cup skim milk- 20
Crackers- 15

TOTAL: 662

I binged yesterday.
I mean, it was massive.  Everyone kept piling it on. Hayden's birthday party, the Greek restuarant in Columbus.
Fuuuuuck.

And I gained.  I know it's just water weight and after one day of restricting I'll be back down but it still hurts.
And I can't wait to go to work, because Matt is being a complete dick and then yelling because we're mad at him for being a complete dick.

And I just don't want to be here right now.

I kept talking to this guy who seems great, and in the back of my mind I keep wondering what shit is going to come out of this and how I'm going to get hurt.
I'm so glad to be working tonight.

I hopped on the scale, and after eating that huge 800 calories I was the same weight I was this morning.
At least I didn't screw anything up.

800 Calories?
800 Calories?  You stupid, fat, lazy fuck.
You are so fucking disgusting that I don't even have a word for it anymore. Stuff yourself, princess. Make people hate you more and more and more.
God I hate you.

Excuse me, Body.
You need to knock this off.  Seriously. Right now.
I'm fucking fed up with you.  I give you vitamins, I give you exercise.
Yeah, I don't give you food.  But you don't need it.  I mean, you're the size of a mother fucking house.  That's enough.

162 this morning.
Oh yay, I lost one pathetic little pound.

I think this OxyContin is making me a little loopy.
Oh well, time to run up and down the stairs

I just had to worst urge to go drink some peroxide to force myself to throw up.
I haven't done that in years.
And dear god, I don't want to start again.

Today, all in all, was not  so bad.
I kept my mind off of Brian for the most part. Thought about numbers numbers numbers.
When I did think of him, I thought about how I just wasn't good enough for him, and what I plan to do to change that.

IN:
Cheese Quesadilla- 300
Vegan Taco Salad- I'm guessing about 300
Mushrooms- 60


My intake was shit.  But I'm fasting as of 6pm today.   I work at 6pm tomorrow, so If I can make it until I have to go to work tomorrow then I should be alright. 
I just want to be in control.  So many things have gone horribly wrong in the last year.  I wasn't able to fix any of them. But I can stop being fat if I work hard.
I have to stop being fat. I have to.             

So it's 6:15 and I've eaten nothing.
I drank a glass of orange juice because I was lightheaded at work, but I'm not going to eat.  I can't.
I need to get my ass in gear.

I sent a message to Brian saying that I still had some sort of feelings for him.  It's not going to go well.  But at least when he rejects me I will have even more self  hatred, and it will be easier to not eat.
I'm kind of pathetic.

Hits. Self. In. Face.

I'm glad I'll be out of the house all day.

I'm so stressed out right now.
My male  roomate doesn't know how to deal with his wife, so anytime he doesn't want to handle her he makes me do it.
I hate being put in the middle of everything. Now they want me to call a bunch of places and find stuff out about her insurance.
No.  I don't call people.  And it's not my insurance so I don't have any info.
God I'm sick of this.

Today I'm going to be fasting.  No matter what.
I'm so annoyed and disgusted that it will be easy to not eat I think.  Plus I work from 12-7 so theres a huge chunk of time I won't be eating.
Thank you, McDonald's.